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"Can I borrow your bigness?"

We were a jump jive rhythm and blues outfit so it was a huge surprise to all of us when we were invited to play Broadstairs folk festival (Kent, UK). Still, stranger things had happened, so we took the gig and showed up mid afternoon to soundcheck and find the beach. The Doctor was in pretty good shape at that point and bet us the usual pound sterling that he could swim to “that buoy” and back. He was so keen to get in the water that we hadn't even shaken on it (therefore completely voiding the wager). He made it and was surprisingly nimble through the water. He proudly remerged and exited the water like a hybrid of Henry Rollins and Duncan Goodhew.

We played the gig, which was reasonably successful and it was an early finish so we got to stick around and take in the rest of the festival. A ceilidh band played and either they were really good or we were way too drunk; either way, we decided to get involved. It soon became apparent that we were all pretty tanked up as Double Meat was not only talking to a girl but dancing with her with an air of confidence. I was pleased for him. He looked happy and she was actually enjoying his beer fuelled dancing. It was as this point that Double Meat left the realm of tipsy flirting and entered a whole new world of dark debauchery. As the caller announced the Cumberland Square Eight, Double Meat got his bum out and invented a new dance. The poor girls smiling face turned to a frown and then a look of utter shock and disgust.

Meanwhile, Begs had been smoking outside and been refused entry by a bouncer so asked The Doctor if he could “borrow his bigness". The Doctor had always talked of his history with working the doors in Chicago and although we'd never witnessed him in a fight, we trusted that he knew what to do. We sometimes quizzed him on the details as he was a huge advocate of offense over defence. This meant that he would often hit first, ask questions later. He also preferred simplicity in his combat style. His self proclaimed tactic was to “punch them really hard”. He pushed back on his chair and like a bear standing on hind legs, he drew himself up to full height. As he approached the troublesome bouncer, the illusion of perspective became apparent. Every forward step The Doctor took, the bouncer’s height and bulk seemed to increase. It wasn't until he was within boxing range before the Doctor realised that this bouncer was in fact, more of a giant than himself. With an inevitable skirmish on the cards we decided to retreat back to the B&B half dragging Double Meat whilst he insisted we "Steal a Boat".

We had a few more beers back at the picturesque Victorian guest house and managed to find a room to bed down for the night.

I woke to find Rodrigo Fandango asleep in the bathroom wrapped in a pair of curtains.

The guesthouse owner is on a long list of people we pissed off over the years. My sincere apologies go out to him.


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